A Call to Therapy

By Andy Williams, LCSW

In hindsight it feels a bit inevitable that I ended up a therapist, as I have always had a deep curiosity about the mind and how others construct and experience their inner worlds.  And yet, as I began college, the idea that such curiosity could find expression in an academic pursuit, let alone a long-term profession, was nowhere on my radar.  Originally a biology major with a love of the outdoors, I had visions of playing in the woods for a living (although hadn’t really thought through whether or how one might get paid to do so).  I was only taking an introductory psychology course to satisfy a social sciences requirement, and then another because it was interesting and why not, then a couple more and maybe I’ll minor in psychology, and then wow this zoology lab course is really a lot harder than I thought and by the way that Carl Jung guy had some pretty wild ideas about the universal unconscious and suddenly I’m being handed a diploma that reads “Bachelor of Arts in Psychology.”

Not sure what to do with a degree in psychology and with only vague notions of the additional education and licensure required for many of the jobs in the field, I took a position as a direct care worker on the psychiatric floor of a local hospital, and knew immediately that I was where I was supposed to be.  While it was the big ideas, classic experiments, and elegant theories that had attracted me to psychology as an undergraduate student, it was through the practice of connecting with and supporting those in psychological distress that I found my calling.  A move from Asheville, where I had gone to college, back to the Triangle, where I had grown up, led me to spend several years working at a residential program for adolescents in Durham, and in a fun twist of fate to sometimes pursue my original career goal of playing in the woods--even now, I can vividly recall warm summer evenings spent accompanying teens along stretches of the Eno River, grateful to be out of the group home for a few hours and not realizing then just how powerful such interventions could be.  In time, I decided that clinical social work would allow me the best opportunity to continue the relational approach to helping others that I had come to see as so valuable to the change process, and graduated from UNC-Chapel Hill in 2007 with my Masters in Social Work. 

Nearly 20 years since those first, formative experiences as a professional, I am excited to join Raleigh Psychology with a continued passion for helping others to navigate the many internal and external challenges that life presents.  I have spent much of my professional career working with individuals and families at the highest levels of our mental health system, including most recently as the Director of Clinical Services for an inpatient psychiatric hospital, and while these experiences have taught me a lot about therapy and provided opportunities to learn different models of care, they have also highlighted the amazing resilience and adaptability of the human spirit in the face of incredible life disruptions and traumas.  It is with a spirit of humility, curiosity, and collaboration that I seek to engage in the therapeutic relationship, and hope you will find my experience and approach to be helpful.  While I may not spend my days exploring the outdoors as I once imagined, I have been privileged to explore the much richer and mysterious topography of the human experience, a journey I look forward to continuing in this new practice setting.

Mindfulness in the Time of COVID

By Andy Williams, LCSW

The thoughts of everything that had happened and everything I still had left to do before the day was over splashed about in my head as my daughters, ages two and four, shrieked and splashed with their toys in the bath.  It was not that today had been any more difficult or stressful than any other day recently, in fact quite the opposite--it was the monotony of routine and the unrelenting demands of both work and home life that for some reason had reached a tipping point this evening, and I found myself increasingly preoccupied with a dull aching mixture of anxiety and fatigue.  Continuing to supervise bathtime, my mind drifted again to the chores that remained for the evening--finish bath, help get pj’s on, comb hair, read nighttime stories, fold laundry, clean kitchen, change cat litter, check and respond to work emails, and oh yeah tomorrow is trash and recycling day so I have to remember to get the bins to the curb.  Vaguely aware that my daughters were still alive and well in the bath three feet away, and mustering as much self-pity as I could find, I wondered to myself is this it?  Is this what life is?  A series of chores and tasks and to-do’s making one day indistinguishable from the next?

The response to this question, which was essentially “yes, this is it,” has had a lasting impact on me as both a person and a professional therapist.  Sitting on the floor of my bathroom, soap bubbles standing in for the proverbial lightbulb which had just gone off in my head, I felt a deep, profound, and immediate shift in my being.  Intellectually familiar with the concept of mindfulness but with no real experience in its practice, I recognized just how much of my life was spent in the future or past tense, and just how powerful the immediacy of the present moment could be.  While I was still aware of the need to complete the many items on my mental to-do list, I also saw clearly, for the first time, that approaching each moment with intention and without judgment, being fully present in the act of living rather than an annoyed and weary bystander, was a choice I had the freedom to make.

Fast forward almost a decade and I am again reminded of the power of the present moment as we navigate the sudden challenges and changes that have come as a result of COVID-19.  The rhythms and routines that once brought comfort, or at the very least familiarity, have for many of us been stripped away, with new demands on our time and resources, and new roles we have been asked to take on.  While the mindful epiphany described above was a seminal moment in my psychological maturation, it was not a vaccination where a single dose could protect me from all future life-stressors.  Rather, the practice of mindfulness is probably more akin to flossing, a habit that is best when done daily, helping to prevent the build-up of harmful psychological plaque, and while I would love to tell you that I have maintained a disciplined mindfulness practice for the past 8 or 9 years, it takes events like we are experiencing now to remind me of the importance of intentionally staying present-focused (and if I have been inconsistent in my own practice of mindfulness, let’s just say my dentist would not be too impressed with my flossing effort either).

Supervising bathtime is no longer on my to-do list, and it’s funny to think about missing a time in my life that, when I was living it, felt so stressful.  I assume that these current challenges will also be looked at with a mix of relief and nostalgia once they are in the rear-view mirror, but who knows when that might be.  For now, I try to approach each moment as an opportunity, to simply be even as I’m doing.  The cat litter still needs changed, there are even more dishes than usual with four of us eating all of our meals at home, and it’s Monday, which means time to put the trash cart at the curb.  Life has taken on a new rhythm and I am doing my best to move with the right tempo.  Who knows, maybe I’ll even pull out the floss this evening.

Hypocrisy 101

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (Mt 7:3)

No matter your religious beliefs, I bet you can see the paradox and the irony in this statement.  Whether it be a roommate, a spouse, or a co worker, do you find it comes quite easily to you to point out their faults? Your roommate showers at the WORST times....doesn’t she know you are getting up for boot camp at 5:30??? Nope, you forgot to tell her and just assumed she should overlook those awful smelling sneakers that you keep forgetting to put away because you are too rushed when you come home to shower, and too busy to....blah, blah, blah.  And that bathroom counter. Your husband leaves out his razor, hair gel, and soap that you just can’t stand to look at every day. Yet your moisturizer, face wash, toner, eye makeup remover, ring stand, and used tampon wrapper hardly leave any space to see the counter top. Of course you have a “system” and have everything in its special place because you use it all every day.  But couldn’t he just take 10 seconds to put away his things?!?! Okay office cubicle mate, you knew I was coming for you next. Were you not listening in the staff meeting when they repeated the rule that personal calls were only meant for your breaks? You don’t really care that your office mate’s mother-in-law has an in-grown toenail that needs to be removed! Her phone works in the bathroom, too! Yet you ask her to overlook your heinous smelling lunch concoctions so that you can eat and “work” at the same time, because you just have to leave 30 minutes early to make it to happy hour.

I think you are probably catching my drift at this point.  It is so much easier to criticize, pick at, complain about, and focus on the supposed “faults” of others, despite our own glaring obnoxious habits, eccentricities, and downright nastiness. We all have it. The post from last week referenced the comparison game we hate-to-love-to play, yet we somehow don’t like it as much if it means acknowledging our faults.  Similarly, I would like you to shift your focus back to yourself.  When you are so irritated, annoyed, and tempted to lash out, ask yourself if you have a part.  When your roommate/spouse/coworker seems incredibly insensitive, ask yourself if there is something you have done to make their home/workplace less comfortable or inviting.  If you want to be really brave, ask for feedback on what kind of roommate, spouse, or suitemate you are! Ouch, did you just cringe? I don’t blame you, it’s a scary thing, but growth and self-reflection are worth it in the long run, but may sting a bit at the start!

"Mirror, Mirror on the Wall"

Ah yes, that title of course stems from the age-old story of the queen who felt the need to be the most beautiful in the kingdom.  As she gazed into the mirror she longed to hear that she indeed was second to none in appearance.  Hearing that there was another “fairer” sent her into a murderous rage.  Now I would be willing to venture a guess that feeling “less than” another does not send you on a mission to kill all of those who are better than you are in a particular area. However, how often do you feel a pang of envy when a co-worker comes up with a great idea or gets promoted over you?  How often do you walk into a room and compare your attire, looks, or net worth with that of the others in the room?  Or perhaps you compare your current self to a former version of yourself that you preferred—a younger, more toned, outgoing self?  I have a dream (little shout out to the King here).....that one day people will be able to look into the mirror with a more balanced view of themselves.  Acknowledge the skin imperfections, the fine lines, and the slightly receding hairlines, but also see the sense of wonder and hope in the eyes, the joy in the smile, and the strength within.

What would it take for you to look into the mirror and acknowledge the beauty before you? Cindy Crawford apparently allowed a photo of her to be released to the public that was not altered beyond recognition. We all applaud. Jamie Lee Curtis then adds a picture of herself with what could have been a bathing suit from the 50s. Uh...thanks?  I am struck by the fact that we care. That we elevate others to a place of power over us that we can finally breathe a sigh of relief when we learn that others have imperfections.  You have probably heard the phrase that there will always be someone prettier, smarter, and more talented than you are. But I wonder if that sometimes leaves us to wonder.....then who am I? What makes me worthwhile?  What makes me feel alive and worthwhile?   If we knew the answers to these questions, I wonder if we could stop the endless game of comparison.  In this game, no one wins.  We make assumptions about others and objectify them based on our own conception of them, and we miss the beauty in them as well.

Go ahead, take a look in the mirror. I dare you. Learn to embrace and cherish the reflection. For what you see and for all of the awe-inspiring beauty that is waiting to be discovered.... when you quit asking or caring about, “who is the fairest of them all.”

Fear-Based Decision Making

In reading some of the heated articles and social media discussions on the vaccine debate, I have wondered why this discussion is so important to people. One possibility is that it taps into genuine fear...The fear that innocent and naïve children will attempt to fight serious illnesses on vulnerable immune systems.  And perhaps the fear that vaccinations might reduce this likelihood, but at what cost? The fear that vaccinations will harm healthy children and cause them to become autistic.  The fear that too many vaccinations at one time will create brain swelling and overwhelm a little body without the ability to fight back. And possibly, ultimately the fear that we will make the wrong choice on behalf of our children. 

Perhaps this is such a hot topic because we are afraid... as a society... to make the wrong choice. And perhaps this leads to indecision or inaction.  You might be thinking to yourself that you are not a parent and that you will think about that when the time comes.  Fair enough. But how often do we operate from the same principle and make / not make decisions based out of fear? Do we stay in unhealthy / destructive relationships for fear that no one else will ever love us? It can be tempting to stay with what feels comfortable and safe, even if the relationship you are in is nothing like the love you know is possible. Do we keep ourselves hidden from honest and genuine relationship for fear we will be rejected or unwanted? You can convince yourself that the side of yourself you show to others is more loveable than if they knew the real you, even though you ache with loneliness and desire meaningful relationship.

How has fear contributed to your story?  Does fear keep you from getting on an airplane or on a boat? Does fear keep you at home or away from large social gatherings? Perhaps you had a difficult experience that you can’t shake which tells you that you are better off not taking the risk. Maybe it’s true. But what if it’s not? What if you have been believing a lie and allowing fear to cloud your better judgment? It might be time to take a step toward living without constant fear.