Unifying the Union
In order to have consistent connection and communication, couple’s should consider having a ‘meeting’, either every day or once a week. The well known couple’s therapist, John Gottman, calls this the ‘State of the Union’. If that name sounds too formal for you, you and your partner might consider something like ‘Couple’s Corner’ or ‘The 411’, whatever suits you!
During these regular meetings, you might discuss regular topics like finances or upcoming schedules or plans. But most importantly, this regular connection time should be used as an ‘emotional check in’. This means that each partner will ask the other one questions to touch base on how they are feeling that day or that week. The one sharing can talk about anything from the relationship, to work, to friendships, spirituality, etc. It is meant to be a safe space for partner’s to learn about each other’s inner world and feel understood.
Within the meeting, it is important to follow basic speaker/listener rules.
For specific structure, one might consider this template:
Listener: What’s going well for you this week?
-The speaker can answer with anything in regards to work, family, self, or wins within the relationship.
-Then the listener can respond with various phrases that show they are listening and validating. The listener’s responses can include, but aren’t limited to empathetic statements like:
-‘That’s exciting!’
-‘I can see you’re happy about that.’
-‘I can see that is very important to you.’
Or the listener can reflect and summarize what they hear the partner explaining.
And follow up with questions like:
-’Has this happened to you before?’
-’How does that make you feel?’
-’Tell me more about that!’
-’Are there any other values coming up for you as you share?’
Listener: What’s not going well for you this week?
-The speaker can respond with anything, for example, work, family, self, or conflict within the relationship.
-The listener can follow up with more empathetic statements:
-‘Wow, that must have been very difficult for you.’
-‘I sounds like you’re saying that was a challenge for you.’
-’I hear you. That must be really hard.’
Or the listener can reflect and summarize what they hear the partner explaining.
-And questions like:
-’What emotions did it bring up for you?’
-’How did my actions impact you?’
-’Did it bring up any values? Triggers? Or remind you of other stories in your life?’
-When has this happened before?’
-’Would you like advice? Or help problem solving? If not, I am happy just to listen and support.;’
Listener: How can I serve you this week?
This is where the speaker can share what would be helpful, practical, emotional or kind acts to help cultivate a smoother week for them or to implement desired connection.
(Examples include: Can you make dinner on Monday? It will be a busy day for me. Can you pick up the kids from school tomorrow? Can we go on a date? Can we have time guarded for us and intimacy?)
Then you swap turns and the speaker becomes the listener and the listener becomes the speaker! And remember, it is conversation. You do not have to fit into this template perfectly, and there will likely be more than one response of the speaker and listener during each question. Remember that the purpose is to connect and help the speaker feel understood.
***(If the speaker brings up a conflict within the relationship, after the both partners have their turn being the speaker, the couple should consider problem solving, which can include questions like:
‘What do we agree on?’
‘What values do we have in common with this conflict?’
‘What is inflexible?’
‘What can we try to do differently next time?’
‘What is flexible?’
What is a “Couple’s Intensive”?
One type of service I love to offer as a therapist is an ‘intensive’ for couples. This is similar to regular therapy, meaning we do similar skills and interventions, but it happens at a consolidated time, usually a 3-5 hour block, 2 or 3 days in a row.
What are the benefits?
Great results! Typically, couples who engage in an intensive, have faster growth and research shows that most couples tend to improve on their goals and see changes within this focused time. This is a great fit for a couple who might be in crisis, seeking fast results, or is simply eager to connect with this focused time for a ‘tune up’.
It can be equivalent to 4 months of traditional therapy. This means that you save months of your time and energy and get to experience healing and connection within your relationship faster!
It is helpful with scheduling. It might be easier for someone to block two half days or a full day off work rather than having one hour a week off for months in a row. The schedule also helps with less interruptions in the growth (sick days, conflicting appointments, vacations, etc).
It enhances focus! Usually, in a couple’s session, it can take about 10 minutes for a couple to settle in, disengage from life or work responsibilities, touch base on a previous conflict from the past week, or engage with their emotions or really get into their issues. Within an intensive, this ‘warm up’ time only happens once, maybe twice, saving most of the time to focus on the goals of the couple and the interventions of the therapist.
Does this sound like a good fit for you and your partner?
Maybe this is your time to reach out to a couple’s therapist and schedule your first intensive!
When You’re Feeling Overwhelmed in Conflict…
By Kristin Rodriguez, LMFTA
Every couple has conflict. Every couple has emotions in conflict. And every couple has times when they feel overwhelmed within conflict. Some of the emotions are directly related to the conflict, and some may be related to something else altogether, but are activated by the current situation. Some in the Couple’s Therapy field would say flooded, meaning, that one is too overcome with emotion to think or speak in a way that is helpful to the situation or to the relationship. So here are some tips if you and your partner catch yourself struggling with this.
First of all, remind yourself that it is okay to feel flooded or overwhelmed. You are human and the conversation may be hitting at a sensitive part of your heart or mind and maybe even pushing against something you are very passionate about. That being said, it makes sense to feel deep emotions about those things.
When you start to realize your emotions are reaching a point where you are feeling overwhelmed or flooded, let your partner know. This clues them into the fact that you are struggling to remain fully present in the conversation. This is not a time for one partner to have power over the other, but an opportunity to honor and respect that your partner has the self awareness to seek to understand what they may be experiencing.
Take a break and tell your partner how much time you need. This could be as simple as 30 minutes, to a few hours, or after a good night’s rest. What is most important here is that you communicate a plan for when you will show back up fully, mentally and physically, into the conversation.
During the break, do some grounding exercises. This can be something like journaling, prayer, labeling emotions and beliefs or memories that the conversation brought up for you, and actively try to regulate your emotions by breathing, meditation or a walk outside. This will help your nervous system regulate, help you feel more calm, and you will be better able to better articulate your thoughts and feelings and listen more intentionally to your partner.
Return to your partner at the agreed upon time and seek to communicate more effectively without being run by your emotions, but rather letting your emotions inform your conversation.
Emotions are good and tell us something about ourselves, thus they should not be avoided, but are not meant to control us. I hope this information leads you to better understand your emotions and to better care for your partner.
The Daily ‘Date’
In between work, children, and daily household tasks, sometimes connecting with your partner can fall to the wayside. We can just get stuck in survival mode, making sure homework is finished, bathtime is achieved without too much chaos, and the goal may simply be getting to bed at a decent time in order to do it all again the next day. However, in the midst of the busyness, we can lose connection with our partners. This is the person you are committed to and have decided to live this life alongside them, no matter how busy life can get. So how can you protect this connection when life feels extra full? Here are some tips to have a reliable connection time, a ‘daily date’, or what the famous psychologist Dr Gottom calls it, a ‘ritual of connection’.
By Kristin Rodriguez, LMFTA
In between work, children, and daily household tasks, sometimes connecting with your partner can fall to the wayside. We can just get stuck in survival mode, making sure homework is finished, bathtime is achieved without too much chaos, and the goal may simply be getting to bed at a decent time in order to do it all again the next day. However, in the midst of the busyness, we can lose connection with our partners. This is the person you are committed to and have decided to live this life alongside them, no matter how busy life can get. So how can you protect this connection when life feels extra full? Here are some tips to have a reliable connection time, a ‘daily date’, or what the famous psychologist Dr Gottom calls it, a ‘ritual of connection’.
A meal around the dinner table - You both have to eat, why not guard a time where it can happen together!
Tea time - Pick a time where kids can be asleep or preoccupied and work is put away and you two can have a reliable time where you sit together, sip something relaxing, and connect after a long day.
Walk the dog - A simple daily task or chore, but one that can be done alongside one another and made restful and purposeful.
Exercise - Be active and enjoy growing healthier physically and relationally at the same time.
Hug and kiss - Allow your partner to know that when you leave or return that you have a special way of greeting them.
Show appreciation - Show gratefulness when your partner cleans up the kitchen, drops off the kids, or serves you somehow in the midst of the chaos. Create patterns of thankful comments or notes so your partner can feel appreciated by you.
Reach out during the day - A simple text or phone call can go a long way to remind your partner that you are thinking of them or desiring connection even when life is busy.
Make this time your own! It can vary on how many minutes you do or what activity, but the point is that you and your partner can simply look forward to a guarded and guaranteed time where you are simply with each other and the rest of the world can wait.