From Parent to Emotional Coach: Helping Your Child Develop Emotional Intelligence
When children face “big emotions” for the first time it can be extremely difficult for them to understand how to process those feelings and, in turn, how to react and work through them in healthy ways. Many parents want to love and support their children’s mental and emotional health but find themselves at a loss when these big emotions strike. In these circumstances, it can be helpful to see yourself as an emotional coach alongside the role of parent. An emotional coach can teach their children how to face and work through big emotions while also disciplining them if these big emotions cause harmful behavior. For example, a child facing high levels of anxiety may lash out in the form of a temper tantrum or anger toward their sibling(s) but in reality, they just don’t know how to handle the stress they feel. To your child, the anxiety could be compared to the fear we as an adult might have if we saw a shark swimming near us in the more shallow part of the ocean! Any typical adult would probably start spiraling, hoping and praying for a way out back into safety. Similarly, if a child with little emotional intelligence faces unknown emotions they may act out but deep down they are screaming to be more regulated and back to safety.
Meghan Owenz of The Gottman Institute, a well-known research-based group, discusses five important steps that can be helpful as you begin coaching your child when these big emotional moments strike.
First, parents can start to be aware of their children’s emotions. Remember, it is not a sprint, it is a marathon with your child. It will take time to learn their emotions and why they are having them. Also, each child is different in their expressions. Observing, listening, and acknowledging those feelings should be your primary focus. Familiarize yourself with your child’s emotions and understand their effect on your child. Slowly beginning to understand when your child’s emotions come into play with their unique reactions and external coping mechanisms can better help you be prepared to emotionally coach them on how to healthily process the situation.
Secondly, parents can think of these emotions as an opportunity for deeper connection and teaching moments with their children. Slowing down the moment and opening up the conversation to coach your child through the challenging feeling will breed empathy and trust, both ultimately helping to foster a deeper connection.
Thirdly, it is so important to listen and validate your child’s feelings. Again, slowing down the situation and giving your child your full attention communicates that they are important and this situation is important. It is helpful to create the space for an open conversation about what they are feeling. Hearing and validating their emotions makes them feel seen, heard, and inturn breeds empathy.
This brings us right into step number four which would be to help your child label their emotions. In nearly every office of Raleigh Psychology, we have a feelings wheel that not only helps clients (of all ages) identify their specific emotions but also displays the various feelings often not acknowledged. The feelings wheel is a valuable tool that parents can bring into moments of big emotions to help their children understand and label what they are feeling. There are so many more emotions than the primary ones- happy, sad, angry, disgusted, fearful, and surprised. Showing your child this wheel and helping them understand the vocabulary they can use to identify what emotions look and feel like not only helps them process emotions but will also helps them to help others.
Finally, the final step that can oftentimes be forgotten is to help your child problem-solve. If you are noticing maladaptive behaviors as a result of these emotions, it is important to guide your child into a conversation about healthy coping skills so your child can learn how to set goals and develop emotional expression that is appropriate and healthy,
In conclusion, the next time you notice your child struggling with big emotions, slow down the situation and move forward as an emotional coach. Don’t worry if it seems to be challenging - just like your child is learning his or her emotions, you are learning to coach them through! Remember, it is a marathon, not a sprint!