When Grief Gets Complicated
It seems that the deep emotions most often stem from unresolved issues–hurtful memories, emotional and physical wounds, critical words, and trauma related memories.
Valerie Thorn, LCMHC
I frequently hear about the many different emotions that come after the loss of a family member or spouse. It seems that the deep emotions most often stem from unresolved issues–hurtful memories, emotional and physical wounds, critical words, and trauma related memories. I get asked, “How can I get past the pain? The anger? The bitterness?” Or they tell me that they feel guilty for even thinking about their own hurt and that it would just be easier to avoid it all together.
What about forgiveness? How would that help? They may desire to get past the hurt, yet feel that it seems so unfair to let the other person off the “hook.”
Forgiveness is more about letting go of bitterness that can destroy peace, and take away joy. I am sad for the lost opportunity to reconnect, to possibly heal, and to confront my fears and anxious feelings. The calm comes when I remember that today is a new beginning. I can get through this with my faith in God, the support of others and one small step at a time. My action steps–believe, hope and let go of things I can’t control.
Bringing Your Newly Adopted Children Home - Expectations
Parenting is never easy, whether your child is adopted or biological. This is especially important to remember when parenting an adopted child since it’s easy to chalk up difficulties as adoption-related. And it’s beneficial to remind yourself that the struggles may be “normal” or “typical” parenting experiences. The challenge may be due to expectations, parenting style, the parents’ temperaments, the child’s temperament, and sometimes a mismatch between the two.
Parenting is never easy, whether your child is adopted or biological. This is especially important to remember when parenting an adopted child since it’s easy to chalk up difficulties as adoption-related. And it’s beneficial to remind yourself that the struggles may be “normal” or “typical” parenting experiences. The challenge may be due to expectations, parenting style, the parents’ temperaments, the child’s temperament, and sometimes a mismatch between the two.
In this post we’ll talk about expectations. This is a great time to explore the expectations you have for yourself, your spouse and your child(ren). The expectations we hold about a relationship and how the other person is supposed to behave can interfere with a positive connection. You have waited for this moment for so long and you have prepared so hard. It makes sense to think that all this preparation would help to prevent your child from having problems. In my case, I expected everything to be pretty smooth sailing (in the big picture of course) when our one and only child was born based on lessons learned from personal counseling and five-years of doctoral studies in child development and attachment. But reality was different. I learned very quickly that the expectations of myself as a parent and my child were way out of whack. Things went more smoothly when I let go of exceptions. It’s not easy, but it’s simple.
If we have expectations that parenting “should” be a certain way or that our child “should” act a certain way, we will frequently be disappointed and even exasperated with the outcomes. I have heard it said that the amount of serenity a person experiences in any relationship is inversely related to the level of expectations one has for that relationship.
We can vastly improve the quality of any relationship just but letting go of expectations and accepting the person for as God created them. Sometimes the person we’re placing into God’s hands is ourselves.
The following exercise will help you gain clarity about the expectations that might be getting in your way and prompt you to let go. Plan a time to be alone for 15 minutes so that you can complete the exercise.
Becoming Aware of Expectations
Start by sitting quietly for a moment. Be aware of your breathing. No need to change it right now, just notice it. Close your eyes and breathe gently in and out seven times. Now think about your adopted child and ask yourself what expectations you have of him/her. Be honest with yourself and write them down. Try to think of at least three.
Now that you have written down at least three of your expectations you are more aware of them. Awareness is the first step to change. The next step is to let them go by giving them to God. Imagine yourself holding your paper in your hands and offering them to God. Then, for each of your expectations, write a statement of acceptance of who your child is. Here is an example:
Expectation: My child is six-years-old so I expect him to dress independently. I expect that I can leave him for ten minutes to be dressed or be well underway when I return.
Acceptance: The independent dressing never seems to work out the way I expect. For some reason, my child is better able to dress himself when I sit with him. I accept that my child wants my company while he’s getting dressed, even though I don’t fully understand why.
There’s one last part to this exercise. Go through the steps again, but this time about yourself. Write down at least three expectations you have of yourself as an adoptive parent. Hand them to God. Write a statement of acceptance of who you are for each of your expectations.
Return to this exercise weekly or whenever you’re struggling and everything you’re trying doesn’t help. Remember, awareness is the first step to change.
Keep a look out for the the next blog post in this series about helping your children grow up on the inside.
Bringing Your Newly Adopted Child Home - An Introduction
Building trust is the journey for all parents and their children, but with adopted children, this journey is particularly challenging. One of the most effective ways to build this trust is to create a loving, nurturing environment that best facilitates a loving, secure bond between you and your newly adopted child. In my book, Gotcha! Welcoming Your Adopted Child Home, 2011 (now out of publication) I referred to this process as “cocooning.” Cocooning not only helps develop positive attachment relationship between parent and child, it also helps to fill in the developmental needs your child missed in their first one to two years. This facilitates the crucial role of helping your child to “grow up on the inside.” Through cocooning, you make it possible for your child to begin maturing emotionally and developmentally.
The key to cocooning effectively is simple. Simple, but not easy. The key is to see your child through God’s eyes.Who is this child God has created? We can know, as King David did in Psalm 139:14, “. . . I am wondrously made. Wonderful are your works! You know me right well.” The key to cocooning is to discover the wonderful being God knit in her mother’s womb. As David cried out , “Search me, O God, and know my heart!” Cocooning will make it possible for you to search your child and to know her heart.
These ideas may run counter to what you think you should do with your child who is no longer an infant and who may even be a toddler or an older child. People in your life such as relatives, friends, pediatricians and social workers may frown upon these methods. You may find yourself alone in your conviction that giving your child and yourself the time and space to just be together, like when a new mother brings her infant home, is the most important thing you can do right now to solidify your child’s emotional development.
In this series, my desire is to give you the permission, support, encouragement and guidance to insulate you and your newly adopted child from the outside world and to be present in your relationship so you can raise your child who feels valuable, who is capable of having healthy and satisfying relationships, and who is able to be the person they were created to be. I hope you’ll join me on this journey of exploring cocooning!
Licensed Psychologist & Author
The Daily ‘Date’
In between work, children, and daily household tasks, sometimes connecting with your partner can fall to the wayside. We can just get stuck in survival mode, making sure homework is finished, bathtime is achieved without too much chaos, and the goal may simply be getting to bed at a decent time in order to do it all again the next day. However, in the midst of the busyness, we can lose connection with our partners. This is the person you are committed to and have decided to live this life alongside them, no matter how busy life can get. So how can you protect this connection when life feels extra full? Here are some tips to have a reliable connection time, a ‘daily date’, or what the famous psychologist Dr Gottom calls it, a ‘ritual of connection’.
By Kristin Rodriguez, LMFTA
In between work, children, and daily household tasks, sometimes connecting with your partner can fall to the wayside. We can just get stuck in survival mode, making sure homework is finished, bathtime is achieved without too much chaos, and the goal may simply be getting to bed at a decent time in order to do it all again the next day. However, in the midst of the busyness, we can lose connection with our partners. This is the person you are committed to and have decided to live this life alongside them, no matter how busy life can get. So how can you protect this connection when life feels extra full? Here are some tips to have a reliable connection time, a ‘daily date’, or what the famous psychologist Dr Gottom calls it, a ‘ritual of connection’.
A meal around the dinner table - You both have to eat, why not guard a time where it can happen together!
Tea time - Pick a time where kids can be asleep or preoccupied and work is put away and you two can have a reliable time where you sit together, sip something relaxing, and connect after a long day.
Walk the dog - A simple daily task or chore, but one that can be done alongside one another and made restful and purposeful.
Exercise - Be active and enjoy growing healthier physically and relationally at the same time.
Hug and kiss - Allow your partner to know that when you leave or return that you have a special way of greeting them.
Show appreciation - Show gratefulness when your partner cleans up the kitchen, drops off the kids, or serves you somehow in the midst of the chaos. Create patterns of thankful comments or notes so your partner can feel appreciated by you.
Reach out during the day - A simple text or phone call can go a long way to remind your partner that you are thinking of them or desiring connection even when life is busy.
Make this time your own! It can vary on how many minutes you do or what activity, but the point is that you and your partner can simply look forward to a guarded and guaranteed time where you are simply with each other and the rest of the world can wait.
Above All Else, Love
Amy Rauch, PsyD
Love. Above all else, love. “If we want to know what loving is all about, we have to imagine what it’s like to live inside their skins.” -Frederick Buechner.
ENGAGE in conversation with one another...ask honest questions and eagerly await the answers. The marriage experts, the Gottmans, call this in-depth knowledge of one another’s world —a Love Map. We love better when we can empathize deeply...the quote continues. “We have to try to listen to not just the words they speak, but to the words they don’t speak. We have to try to feel what it’s like to be who they are.”