Lifesavers

Amy Rauch

Permanent action to end temporary suffering. Suicide is not a solution. What lurks just beneath the surface, we may never know. We can reach out, assume the best in others, and consider that simple acts of kindness may go further than we think toward saving lives.

Unavoidable irony and tragedy persist when beloved celebrities and loved ones opt out of life. Ironic because thousands upon thousands strive daily to achieve the same level of success in their respective fields....hoping and dreaming and wishing to one day be in their ranks. Tragic for the individuals, their families, and the many who will consider the same end for their own lives as a result.My mind still wanders to the Robin Williams tragedy 7 years ago. That event did indeed trigger additional instances and media guidelines to help limit the copycat effect.

This hit closer to home for me a few years ago when my longtime friend’s brother took his own life in my friend’s apartment. The questions, the second-guessing, the “What could I have done or said?” and “What did I miss?” and “How could I have let this happen?” continue to haunt his loved ones. My friend is running in a marathon sponsored by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and I could not be more proud. It gave me such joy to donate (on behalf of Raleigh Psychology) to the cause on behalf of my friend’s bravery and resilience and in honor of his beloved brother. My friend took a hard and long look at his life after the tragedy and is a fortunate case of post-traumatic resilience, though I know he would trade his own personal growth and wish for it to have come at any other cost, for a chance to hug his brother again.

Taking care of one’s mental health is not a luxury, it’s a necessity. Notice the increasing frequency of the hopeless and helpless thoughts. Pay attention to the mind wandering to possible methods to end the current discomfort. We can’t afford to let stigma dictate our access to well-being. The stakes are too high. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

September is Suicide Prevention Month

September is suicide prevention month, a time to acknowledge and reflect on the rise in child and teen mental health issues and suicide rates. Suicide is the leading cause of death among children 10-14 and the third leading cause of death among the 15-24 age group. Consider that 80% of teens who die by suicide show warning signs, and 90% of teens who die by suicide have a mental health condition. Learning how to detect warning signs gives us a better chance of reaching these young people when there is still time to intervene. Rather than assuming “it is just a phase” or a teenager is simply “being dramatic”, awareness of warning signs can save lives. 
Access to treatment, initiating suicide prevention programs, and making it “OK” to ask for help, allow us to be a source of hope and stability for children who are experiencing thoughts of self-harm. Care plans and “check in/check out” programs in schools pair a student with a trusted adult who can monitor vulnerable students for signs of stress. Screening for thoughts of self harm through regular medical care or as part of evaluations for other concerns such as anxiety or ADHD are critical in identifying students who may not otherwise seek help. And keeping communication open between children and their parents gives those children permission to confide without fear of the response. 
Check out these 40 Ways To Get Help and Information on Suicide Prevention. Be aware, be proactive, and be safe. https://bit.ly/3RqLTSP

Help for Harmonious Holidays

           By Lindsay Jordan, LCSWA

After a COVID-induced hiatus, many people are preparing to gather with family to celebrate the holidays, which yields a wide range of feelings. Many are excited about the plethora of pumpkin treats, grandma’s apple pie, twinkling lights or festive music, but at the same time, fear, anxiety, or stress may be building as the time to engage extended family draws near. Below are thoughts that I hope may ease some of the pressure and prepare you for a joyous (or at least peaceful) holiday season.

1.     Check your feelings as you anticipate the gathering. Take a few deep breaths, as you sit with a feeling, imagine what it would be like to let go, and ponder what you need in the moment. If you notice that you are holding tension or stress, plan a self-care activity, like a walk where you notice the beauty of nature, snuggling under a blanket with a book (or journal or art pad) or scheduling a lunch date with a friend.

2.     Focus on the qualities you appreciate about your family and previous happy times shared, instead of dwelling on negatives. If there is a person you are struggling with, try to think of three positive traits about them and ask yourself what it would look like to ‘assume the best’.

3.     Hold realistic expectations. Families are challenging, and the current oppositional climate in politics, religion, and health (masks, vaccines, gathering boundaries) has intensified the difficulties. Holiday gatherings are not the time to set out to change someone’s stance, so place controversial discussions on hold. Of course, you may not be able to control the conversation, but you can control your reaction. Feel free to excuse yourself and take a break.

4.     Go in curious. Harvard neuroscientists have proven that when people talk about themselves it “feels good” and is rewarding as it activates the dopamine center of the brain (the same area associated with stimuli like sex and good food). Being curious in conversation, invites others to talk about themselves, which may put them in a better disposition and make them more pleasant throughout the day.

5.     Plan to Play Catch Instead of Ping Pong. There is a huge difference between playing catch and playing ping pong.  A game of catch is collaborative and relaxed, whereas ping-pong has a competitive, fast-paced feel. Playing catch in conversation, involves asking thoughtful questions, considering what the other person is saying (“throwing at you”) before you respond, and acknowledging what you are hearing before sharing your own thoughts. In ping-pong, there is an opponent, so there may be a defensive stance, a calculating effort to anticipate the next move and a quick response to win the point. As you enter conversations, notice if your body feels more like preparing for catch or ping-pong.

I share these thoughts not to add to your list of things to do, but in hopes that one of the points connected with the place you find yourself, and in its application, you will be moved towards a more peaceful holiday season.

What are you feeding your children this summer?

By Lindsay Jordan, LCSWA

As school winds down, I have been focusing on how to occupy my kids over the summer- orchestrating camp sign-ups, vacation weeks, and time with family and friends to keep them happy and give them a great summer after a difficult year. The rhythm of meals will also be impacted, as when my kids are home all day, they are constantly hungry, therefore I will need to load up on snacks, preferably with some nutritional value.

In addition to planning activities and sustaining their appetites, I aspire to consider what I am “feeding” my children in terms of their moral and spiritual development. Will I plan a summer that is motivated by keeping them entertained and happy, or will I go deeper and consider each of my children and the areas where their “school” learning could be supplemented with “life” learning? It is easier to go with the flow and allow the media they consume and the people around them to shape their core, but I want to consider ways to enter into their world and engage with material that will challenge and form them. This is not an easy undertaking as there are times when survival and maintaining the status quo is all I can handle, but it is a worthy goal.

Engaging our children on a deeper level does not need to be time-consuming or energy draining. Depending on your child’s age, involving the child in the planning process could encourage participation, like allowing them to choose between two books or values to study. The plan could be as simple as having a short reading and question of the day to explore more of your child’s thoughts, dreams, and feelings, or exploring a different value (i.e. honesty, empathy, respect, partnership, independence).

There are a plethora of good options, so what will matter most is not choosing the perfect resource but that a goal is developed and attempted and that connection with the child is deepened. In the past, a friend read through “The Children’s Book of Virtues”, or another friend read and discussed a part of Psalm 23 at lunch most days. Last summer, I chose a Bible verse for each of my children to commit to memory and another summer we read “Thoughts to Make your Heart Sing” by Sally Lloyd-Jones.

It is summertime, and summer is crazy, so it will likely not be seamless, but it will be a success if, at the end of the summer, there is some growth and a deeper connection with your child. Have fun with it and give yourself lots of grace!

Hamilton

By Andy Williams, LCSW

The release of Hamilton for home streaming was a highly anticipated event in our household this month.  For the past 4-5 years, Hamilton’s music has served as the soundtrack to both the exciting and the mundane moments in the life of our family-- accompanying us on long roadtrips (when those were still a thing pre-COVID), and providing a welcomed distraction to homework completion and household chores, every lyric committed to memory.   As my daughters grew older and their musical interests diversified, the soundtrack showed up less frequently in our playlist, but having never seen an original-cast performance of the show, we were excited for the opportunity, and the televised version did not disappoint!

While Hamilton traces the tragic arc of its namesake, it also provides a different way of experiencing the early years of our country, an era of cultural and geopolitical disruption marked by bitter political rivalries, severe social inequities, and intense and divisive visions for the future.  The obvious parallels to our own time in history are what made this story so compelling and worth telling when the musical first premiered, and those parallels seem all the more striking in the midst of our current events.  

I am neither film critic nor historian, but as a therapist I have found much in the retelling of our country’s early history and its connection to the current moment that resonates with the practice of therapy.  While therapy has as its aim the promotion of safety, security, and wellbeing, it is fundamentally a disruptive endeavor.  Regardless of the theoretical orientation or interventions that are employed, the person seeking and the person providing therapy are looking to create change of some kind, to disrupt patterns of thinking, feeling, acting, connecting, or just being in the world.  Similarly, it is difficult to realize meaningful change in the larger systems in which we are embedded (social, political, cultural, global) without disruptive forces or events occurring, sometimes serving as the catalyst for change, sometimes as the result of change, and sometimes both.  

Even when change is desired, whether it be in the creation of a new form of governance, the dismantling of unjust or oppressive systems, or the resolution of symptoms related to issues such as depression or anxiety, the process of changing is uncomfortable and often divisive.  While we may no longer challenge others to a duel to resolve such divisions, we can see conflicts occurring even within ourselves as we strive for new behaviors or new attitudes while simultaneously being pulled back toward more familiar ways of being.  For therapy to be effective, attention must be given to the change process itself, accepting the inherent contradictions and conflicting feelings that emerge along the way. 

Alexander Hamilton, the character and the historical figure, understood that while change was disruptive and difficult, so too was staying put.  Tragic as his story may be, it illuminates the idea that creation and disruption are two sides of the same coin, as true in therapy as it is in any other endeavor.  With a nod toward Lin-Manuel Miranda’s brilliant lyricism, in the midst of significant change or upheaval, we can look for moments of quiet to pause and catch our breath, but the work that must be done compels us to keep pushing forward.  It’s rarely easy, but if you’re interested I can recommend a good soundtrack to keep you company along the way.