Help for Harmonious Holidays
By Lindsay Jordan, LCSWA
After a COVID-induced hiatus, many people are preparing to gather with family to celebrate the holidays, which yields a wide range of feelings. Many are excited about the plethora of pumpkin treats, grandma’s apple pie, twinkling lights or festive music, but at the same time, fear, anxiety, or stress may be building as the time to engage extended family draws near. Below are thoughts that I hope may ease some of the pressure and prepare you for a joyous (or at least peaceful) holiday season.
1. Check your feelings as you anticipate the gathering. Take a few deep breaths, as you sit with a feeling, imagine what it would be like to let go, and ponder what you need in the moment. If you notice that you are holding tension or stress, plan a self-care activity, like a walk where you notice the beauty of nature, snuggling under a blanket with a book (or journal or art pad) or scheduling a lunch date with a friend.
2. Focus on the qualities you appreciate about your family and previous happy times shared, instead of dwelling on negatives. If there is a person you are struggling with, try to think of three positive traits about them and ask yourself what it would look like to ‘assume the best’.
3. Hold realistic expectations. Families are challenging, and the current oppositional climate in politics, religion, and health (masks, vaccines, gathering boundaries) has intensified the difficulties. Holiday gatherings are not the time to set out to change someone’s stance, so place controversial discussions on hold. Of course, you may not be able to control the conversation, but you can control your reaction. Feel free to excuse yourself and take a break.
4. Go in curious. Harvard neuroscientists have proven that when people talk about themselves it “feels good” and is rewarding as it activates the dopamine center of the brain (the same area associated with stimuli like sex and good food). Being curious in conversation, invites others to talk about themselves, which may put them in a better disposition and make them more pleasant throughout the day.
5. Plan to Play Catch Instead of Ping Pong. There is a huge difference between playing catch and playing ping pong. A game of catch is collaborative and relaxed, whereas ping-pong has a competitive, fast-paced feel. Playing catch in conversation, involves asking thoughtful questions, considering what the other person is saying (“throwing at you”) before you respond, and acknowledging what you are hearing before sharing your own thoughts. In ping-pong, there is an opponent, so there may be a defensive stance, a calculating effort to anticipate the next move and a quick response to win the point. As you enter conversations, notice if your body feels more like preparing for catch or ping-pong.
I share these thoughts not to add to your list of things to do, but in hopes that one of the points connected with the place you find yourself, and in its application, you will be moved towards a more peaceful holiday season.