Triggers in Intimate Relationships
Sometimes in marriage or committed relationships old wounds can show up. These can be negative beliefs we had about ourselves as a child or something from our history with our current relationship or from a part partner. What do we do with these?
Recognize them. Label them. Understand them. What are they saying? What does it make you think about yourself? Does it remind you of how you felt at another time in your life?
Take ownership. Don’t blame your partner. Sometimes these old feelings could be related or not related to a story involving your partner. It is important to let them in, help them understand what you are experiencing, but don’t blame them. Your feelings and thoughts are a part of your own perspective. Yes, they might have impacted it at one time or another, and this is a space where they can encourage you or affirm the relationship, but it is simply a space for them to validate your emotions and thoughts.
For the partner listening - simply support your partner. Your partner is someone with a whole lifetime of stories that have impacted them. It is likely you will hit something sensitive at one point or another. Think about your impact, be considerate with how you can nurture and care for them as they hold this trigger, but what happened to them in the past is not your responsibility. If you have personally wronged them, then that is always something to take responsibility for but you are not the one who is supposed to ‘fix’ a past wound, that is up to the one who was triggered and you can simply support, validate and encourage them in the process.
We are all responsible for our own emotions and they can be very empowering if we take the time to understand our own and others! So I hope this blog is encouraging and freeing to couples who maybe have gotten confused on how to deal with triggers as they come up in conflict or conversation. But the good news is that there is hope to understand how to discern these triggers and hope in learning how to navigate them!
