Giving Children the Gift of Discomfort
I hear it from parents, teachers, camp counselors, and daycare workers. It’s on Facebook, church websites, TikTok, and blog posts. They are all asking the same question–what is wrong with these kids? They are lonely, they can’t handle in-person interactions, and they don’t know how to navigate social situations. There are many different explanations–from the overuse of iPads to the lingering impacts of the Pandemic. While those issues should not be ignored, I would like to offer an alternative explanation–children do not know how to be uncomfortable.
Anna Lembke, a psychiatrist, puts it this way, “Have we both over-sanitized and over-pathologized childhood, raising our children in the equivalent of a padded cell, with no way to injure themselves but also no means to ready themselves for the world?” This is not just parents. We as a society have gotten pretty good at avoiding discomfort. After all, vulnerability is hard, embarrassment is real, and it is so much easier to avoid awkwardness than confront it.
Sammy Rhodes, a pastor, explains it like this, “We…are awkward because we long to be embraced as we are, not as we should be.” At the same time that we are putting our best image forward on social media, we want to be understood and loved as the messes that we actually are. This is an uncomfortable dichotomy to navigate, but learning how is an important part of life. If we never allow our children to learn how to sit in that uncomfortable dichotomy, we are doing them a great disservice. For example, I see children who are lonely because they do not know how to be appropriately vulnerable with people. I also see children who would rather sit in their room on their phone than talk to anyone in person because they feel that they might “mess it up” and it “would be embarrassing”.
So, how do we start this process of allowing our children a developmentally appropriate amount of discomfort? How do we help them learn to deal with awkwardness, be vulnerable, and sit in uncomfortable places? Drawing on both Lembke and Rhodes, I think there are several starting points.
Allow your children to be bored - Children often use the word “boring” as a synonym for “the worst thing ever”. Lembke says this, “Boredom is not just boring. It can also be terrifying. It forces us to come face-to-face with bigger questions of meaning and purpose.” Give your children a safe space in your home to be bored and face those big questions with you by their side.
Lead by example - Children are not the only ones who hate to be uncomfortable. Get out of your own comfort zone and bring your children with you. Do a service project as a family because there is an inherent vulnerability in serving others. Avoid picking up your phone in the grocery store line to stay open to interactions with strangers because your children will benefit from watching you navigate potentially awkward situations.
Be a safe place to fail - No one likes to fail at anything, but it doesn’t have to be terrifying. Make your home a safe place for your children to try things and possibly fail at them. If your child brings home a failing grade at school, don’t immediately try to fix it. Sit with your child in failure. Be willing to try (and fail) things for yourself. When failure is simply a part of life, it becomes something much less scary.
After talking about failure, encouragement is always welcome. Lembke talks about her daughter’s inability to hold a tune, and how they were watching a movie at one point with a character who also had no musical talent. Her daughter asks if she is like that character, and Lembke thinks, “What do I say? Do I tell her the truth and risk damaging her self-esteem, or do I lie and try to use the deception to kindle a love of music?” She decides to tell her daughter the truth–that yes, she does not have any musical talent. Her daughter’s response might surprise you. Lembke says, “A big smile broke out over my daughter’s face, which I interpreted as the smile of validation….In validating what she already knew to be true–her lack of musical ability–I encouraged her skills at accurate self-appraisal…I also sent the message that we can’t be good at everything and it’s important to know.” We have the opportunity to do the same with our children.
Lembke, A. (2021). Dopamine Nation. Penguin Random House.
Rhodes, S. (2016). This is Awkward. Nelson Books.