Feeling Unheard By Your Partner? Communication Strategies for Couples To Live By

By Kristin Rodriguez, LMFTA

Sometimes, couples get into ruts where they feel like it is difficult to connect, to understand, and feel understood by their partner. This can be caused by distractions, feeling overwhelmed, or simply poor listening skills. In order to combat this,  take a break from the discussion to help relax and breathe before you revisit the conversation.

Or you can always consider a couple’s session to learn how to communicate or an individual session to help process your own emotions.

Until then, here are some simple tips to implement in communication with your partner:

• Consider ‘Gentle Start Up’ - This means using kind language, a neutral tone, and using words that don’t attack or blame the other partner. Allow the longing or desire for your partner to shine through your words, rather than sharing just a complaint.

• Use ‘I’ statements - These are statements like ‘I feel sad when I don’t get invited to go out with my friends.’ Or ‘I feel hurt when I don’t get a text that you are running behind’. This keeps the focus on the feelings or experience rather than blaming one another.

• Reflect or Summarize - The partner who is listening can practice reflecting what the other partner is trying to express. This gives space and time for one partner to understand and for the other partner to feel understood. Try to validate and empathize with the other person’s feelings.

• Ask Questions - The listening partner can ask questions to help clarify what the speaker is trying to articulate.

*** These simple tools are more about feeling emotionally connected, known, and understood. It doesn’t mean that coming to a solution or problem solving will be easy or come quickly, but feeling validated can help unite the partners to both feel safer when coming to a compromise or a decision.

Marriage Renewal

Amy Rauch, PsyD

“Marriages should be like drivers’ licenses...they should have to be renewed every 7 years.” I heard that uttered exactly where you might expect....from a local favorite ‘regular’ in the bar at the Mexican restaurant I waitressed at during college. It stands in stark contrast to what most of us utter before God and family and friends.......... • “Till death do us part”....it rolls off our tongues so easily and we scoff at the idea of prenuptual agreements, as we are sure our love will last forever. But it doesn’t just last on its own. The freebie “in love” feeling (we can thank oxytocin for) lasts between 18 months and 3 years...and then we’re on our own! • Sue Johnson, in “Hold Me Tight,” encourages us to turn toward one another, instead of away, when things get tough. ENGAGE one another—bring your spouse your hurt and confusion and distress in the moment and allow them the opportunity to respond. Turn toward. And then tell them that you would renew your marriage license any day of the week. 😉

Christmas Tears

Amy Rauch, PsyD

Ah, the irony. A time of year filled with so much expectation, anticipation, and unfortunately, whether or not, we realize it, expectation…

Several years ago, I remember telling my husband that I did not need anything for Christmas. I anticipated that I would be holding my new baby girl, and that a generous gift that he had recently given me to celebrate a milestone, would be more than my heart would need for contentment.

And as I sat there on Christmas morning, with an ache in the pit of my stomach, simultaneously, remembering the words I had spoken, and I was disappointed. I had no one to blame but myself. He had done exactly as I had asked—nothing.

I was crying and laughing at the same time. He was pretty devastated that he felt that he had disappointed me. I apologized. He apologized, it was all pretty ridiculous, and I had created it. The poor sucker couldn’t win, but we learned….oh, did we learn!! And yet this is really the design of relationship. Learning about ourselves and exposing the areas in which we need growth. We often work on repairing marriages with just one person. It just takes one person that is open to growth and change to create tidal wave of change within a family system. We learn in subtle ways and sometimes in big and explicit ways….like through the ridiculous tears of a girl who didn’t know what she really wanted. (Me!)

And I’m learning to give myself permission to have wants and needs. Learning that when someone asks me what I want for Christmas, they probably really want an answer. It is not selfish for me to have a preference and it can be loving for me to communicate that to someone who asks. Relying on others to read my mind or to know myself better than I do has only led to frustration and resentment—and Christmas tears. :)

Joy in your Child’s Education

Dr. Khalid Brown

I have recently come across a social media personality who goes by the name ”Burnt out Teachers”.  If you have not seen her, she does little skits of true stories that she encountered while working in the school system that caused her to be burnt out and quit teaching.   I soon shared some of her videos with many of my friends and former co-workers who worked in the schools with me.  As we all had a good laugh  we all had the same reaction “This is pretty accurate”.  We see this trend more and more recently, with articles citing teacher shortages across the country.  There are many reasons that contribute to this.  One of the main reasons, in my opinion, is an erosion of parent/school relationship.

In my 15+ years of working in education, among all kinds of families, and all types of difficulties, the most important factor in the education of children is the involvement of the parents.

In an article titled “  What You Miss After Your Child Learns to Read” by Clare Ansberry in the Wall Street Journal, looked at the reading patterns of parents to their children at bedtime.  The article looked at parents of children 6 to 17, where she states that by age 9, 1 out of 4 parents stopped reading to their children, as the parents thought their child can read on their own.  However, 8 in 10 children ages 6 to 17 said they loved or liked being read aloud to because it is a special time together with their parents. Among children ages 6 to 11, 40% wished their parents would continue.

The importance of books in the home was further shown in a 2014 study published in the sociology journal Social Forces.  Which states that:

“After G.N.P., the quantity of books in one’s home was the most important predictor of reading performance. The greatest effect was seen in libraries of about 100 books, which resulted in approximately 1.5 extra years of grade-level reading performance. (Diminishing returns kick in at about 500 books, which is the equivalent of about 2.2 extra years of education.)”.

So why bring up these articles? How are you training up your child? How engaged are you in their education (if not homeschooling)? Just the act of reading to your child and having a library has great benefits to your child.  That when the parents are involve in their child’s learning, that the order and variables that contribute to a successful child are in place for them to learn best.  I am not talking about homeschool vs private/public school, but with whatever form of education you choose for you child that you are involved.

What does this mean?  In Proverbs 22:6 it says, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

So as your child starts out this school year, I would like to challenge you to see yourself as the expert. Not the teacher in the school, not the administrator, but you, the parent(s) charged in raising that child.   God gave you your child and as a result you are the expert on your child and being the expert, your child will respond the best to learning when you are involved.    

So why write this on a blog post on a psychologist website? Parenting isn’t easy, just as we have ups and downs as adults, children have ups and down and as a parent you try to navigate those times as best you can.  Just as school is a tool to help you education your child, the support of a therapist can be a useful tool to help navigate those times as well, for you and your child.  Utilizing different tools can provide support and help so that you can raise up your child in the way they should go in a Joyful and fruitful way. 

References:

Evans, M.D.R, Kelley, J & Sikora, J. 2014 “ Scholarly Culture and Academic Performance in 42 Nations” Social Forces, Volume 92, Issue 4, June 2014, Pages 1573–1605

Ansberry, C. 2016 “What You Miss After Your Child Learns to Read”, Wall Street Journal

Lifesavers

Amy Rauch

Permanent action to end temporary suffering. Suicide is not a solution. What lurks just beneath the surface, we may never know. We can reach out, assume the best in others, and consider that simple acts of kindness may go further than we think toward saving lives.

Unavoidable irony and tragedy persist when beloved celebrities and loved ones opt out of life. Ironic because thousands upon thousands strive daily to achieve the same level of success in their respective fields....hoping and dreaming and wishing to one day be in their ranks. Tragic for the individuals, their families, and the many who will consider the same end for their own lives as a result.My mind still wanders to the Robin Williams tragedy 7 years ago. That event did indeed trigger additional instances and media guidelines to help limit the copycat effect.

This hit closer to home for me a few years ago when my longtime friend’s brother took his own life in my friend’s apartment. The questions, the second-guessing, the “What could I have done or said?” and “What did I miss?” and “How could I have let this happen?” continue to haunt his loved ones. My friend is running in a marathon sponsored by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and I could not be more proud. It gave me such joy to donate (on behalf of Raleigh Psychology) to the cause on behalf of my friend’s bravery and resilience and in honor of his beloved brother. My friend took a hard and long look at his life after the tragedy and is a fortunate case of post-traumatic resilience, though I know he would trade his own personal growth and wish for it to have come at any other cost, for a chance to hug his brother again.

Taking care of one’s mental health is not a luxury, it’s a necessity. Notice the increasing frequency of the hopeless and helpless thoughts. Pay attention to the mind wandering to possible methods to end the current discomfort. We can’t afford to let stigma dictate our access to well-being. The stakes are too high. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255