Feeling Unheard By Your Partner? Communication Strategies for Couples To Live By

By Kristin Rodriguez, LMFTA

Sometimes, couples get into ruts where they feel like it is difficult to connect, to understand, and feel understood by their partner. This can be caused by distractions, feeling overwhelmed, or simply poor listening skills. In order to combat this,  take a break from the discussion to help relax and breathe before you revisit the conversation.

Or you can always consider a couple’s session to learn how to communicate or an individual session to help process your own emotions.

Until then, here are some simple tips to implement in communication with your partner:

• Consider ‘Gentle Start Up’ - This means using kind language, a neutral tone, and using words that don’t attack or blame the other partner. Allow the longing or desire for your partner to shine through your words, rather than sharing just a complaint.

• Use ‘I’ statements - These are statements like ‘I feel sad when I don’t get invited to go out with my friends.’ Or ‘I feel hurt when I don’t get a text that you are running behind’. This keeps the focus on the feelings or experience rather than blaming one another.

• Reflect or Summarize - The partner who is listening can practice reflecting what the other partner is trying to express. This gives space and time for one partner to understand and for the other partner to feel understood. Try to validate and empathize with the other person’s feelings.

• Ask Questions - The listening partner can ask questions to help clarify what the speaker is trying to articulate.

*** These simple tools are more about feeling emotionally connected, known, and understood. It doesn’t mean that coming to a solution or problem solving will be easy or come quickly, but feeling validated can help unite the partners to both feel safer when coming to a compromise or a decision.