A Salutation and Invitation for Our Teachers
You love on our loved ones so well. You teach, guide, shepherd, and mentor, while also caring for your own family and friends. Your days are long and often we imagine that it is hard to find the time to care for yourself. As you may have a more flexible schedule this summer, we at Raleigh Psychology would feel privileged to care for you. We could talk through creating regular rhythms of margin, create sustainable patterns for caring for yourself, or process that difficult situation that haunts you in quiet moments when the busyness dies down. We celebrate the end of the year with you! And would welcome the opportunity to get your bearings with you and set up the following year for success.
Empowering Our Kids to Stand Against Body Shaming
By Lindsay Jordan, LCSW
Sadly, I have been hearing of fat shaming and bullying in our school halls (and classrooms) so would like to recommend Dr. Lisa Damour's podcast, Ask Lisa, episode 216. Hear are some main points that I ask for you to discuss with each of your children (at minute 22 in the podcast):
If your child witnesses bullying of any kind... if they are standing there when one kid goes after another kid and there is a power imbalance, you can NOT do nothing... you have to do 1 for 3 things...
Tell the kid who is doing it to Knock it off. (there is a great video about teaching kids to turn it back on the bully with flattery about how great they are (BrooksGibbs.com How to Stop a Bully)... or ask "what's going on for you that you've turned into this ... I've seen you nicer than this")
Reach out and support the kid on the receiving end
Get an adult
You don't need to do all 3 but you need to do at least 1!!! Again, doing nothing is not an option.
***It is wrong to criticize (even in a joking manner) somebody for anything related to size, shape, appearance, skin color, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender. Any identity based or size/shape factor that is used as an insult is wrong!***
Please also consider this as a fresh reminder to not talk about your weight in front of your children. It models unkindness to our bodies.
Fat shaming is going on in school (and on social media). We need to talk about it. It needs to be stopped before more harm is done.
Start a conversation with your kids... ask them if they've been seeing/hearing bullying... and go from there. Be curious and compassionate.
Unifying the Union
In order to have consistent connection and communication, couple’s should consider having a ‘meeting’, either every day or once a week. The well known couple’s therapist, John Gottman, calls this the ‘State of the Union’. If that name sounds too formal for you, you and your partner might consider something like ‘Couple’s Corner’ or ‘The 411’, whatever suits you!
During these regular meetings, you might discuss regular topics like finances or upcoming schedules or plans. But most importantly, this regular connection time should be used as an ‘emotional check in’. This means that each partner will ask the other one questions to touch base on how they are feeling that day or that week. The one sharing can talk about anything from the relationship, to work, to friendships, spirituality, etc. It is meant to be a safe space for partner’s to learn about each other’s inner world and feel understood.
Within the meeting, it is important to follow basic speaker/listener rules.
For specific structure, one might consider this template:
Listener: What’s going well for you this week?
-The speaker can answer with anything in regards to work, family, self, or wins within the relationship.
-Then the listener can respond with various phrases that show they are listening and validating. The listener’s responses can include, but aren’t limited to empathetic statements like:
-‘That’s exciting!’
-‘I can see you’re happy about that.’
-‘I can see that is very important to you.’
Or the listener can reflect and summarize what they hear the partner explaining.
And follow up with questions like:
-’Has this happened to you before?’
-’How does that make you feel?’
-’Tell me more about that!’
-’Are there any other values coming up for you as you share?’
Listener: What’s not going well for you this week?
-The speaker can respond with anything, for example, work, family, self, or conflict within the relationship.
-The listener can follow up with more empathetic statements:
-‘Wow, that must have been very difficult for you.’
-‘I sounds like you’re saying that was a challenge for you.’
-’I hear you. That must be really hard.’
Or the listener can reflect and summarize what they hear the partner explaining.
-And questions like:
-’What emotions did it bring up for you?’
-’How did my actions impact you?’
-’Did it bring up any values? Triggers? Or remind you of other stories in your life?’
-When has this happened before?’
-’Would you like advice? Or help problem solving? If not, I am happy just to listen and support.;’
Listener: How can I serve you this week?
This is where the speaker can share what would be helpful, practical, emotional or kind acts to help cultivate a smoother week for them or to implement desired connection.
(Examples include: Can you make dinner on Monday? It will be a busy day for me. Can you pick up the kids from school tomorrow? Can we go on a date? Can we have time guarded for us and intimacy?)
Then you swap turns and the speaker becomes the listener and the listener becomes the speaker! And remember, it is conversation. You do not have to fit into this template perfectly, and there will likely be more than one response of the speaker and listener during each question. Remember that the purpose is to connect and help the speaker feel understood.
***(If the speaker brings up a conflict within the relationship, after the both partners have their turn being the speaker, the couple should consider problem solving, which can include questions like:
‘What do we agree on?’
‘What values do we have in common with this conflict?’
‘What is inflexible?’
‘What can we try to do differently next time?’
‘What is flexible?’
Top 10 Takeaways from “The Worry Free Parent”, by Sissy Goff
You are the biggest agent of change in your child’s fight against anxiety.
By Raeanne Johnson, CPNP-PMHS
You are the biggest agent of change in your child’s fight against anxiety.
Sissy Goff, LPC-MHSP is the director of child and adolescent counseling at Daystar Counseling Ministries in Nashville, TN. She has written several books and has a podcast called “Raising Boys and Girls” with colleague David Thomas.
The book is divided into three sections, Understanding the Past, Help for the Present and Hope for the Future. Each chapter concludes with a worry free takeaway and little pep talk from Sissy. There is also an accompanying work book which would make this a wonderful tool for small groups. This is written from a Christian worldview, but the strategies are applicable to all belief backgrounds.
1-Statistics on the prevalence of anxiety.
-30% of children and adolescence experience anxiety, 80% never receive help
-If a parent has anxiety, their kids are seven times more likely to deal with it
-Girls are twice as likely as boys to suffer from anxiety, but boys are taken in for
treatment more often.
2-CBT Triangle , what it is and how to use it.
3-Anxiety is caught and taught, both through our brain chemistry and how we relate to our kids.
4-Anxiety makes us attach future meaning to present problems.
5-Anxiety plus intensity equals micromanaging.
6-Five ways the anxiety of parents impacts kids
1-Sidecar parenting-my kid is *just* like me and we’re walking the same anxious road.
2-Backhoe parenting-always going behind and cleaning up after kids-very controling.
3-Snowplow parenting-always making life magical and easy for their kids.
4-Helicopter parenting-hypervigilant and fighting their battles, “overparenting”.
5-Parade float parenting-if I just keep them happy enough, they’ll never be anxious.
7-Neuroplasticity works and creating new pathways is possible-helpful info on amygdala and cortex.
8-Breathwork, grounding and mindfulness discussed at length.
9-Try softer, let the bottom 20% go.
10-Feelings are not facts, they don’t have to overwhelm or define you.
What is a “Couple’s Intensive”?
One type of service I love to offer as a therapist is an ‘intensive’ for couples. This is similar to regular therapy, meaning we do similar skills and interventions, but it happens at a consolidated time, usually a 3-5 hour block, 2 or 3 days in a row.
What are the benefits?
Great results! Typically, couples who engage in an intensive, have faster growth and research shows that most couples tend to improve on their goals and see changes within this focused time. This is a great fit for a couple who might be in crisis, seeking fast results, or is simply eager to connect with this focused time for a ‘tune up’.
It can be equivalent to 4 months of traditional therapy. This means that you save months of your time and energy and get to experience healing and connection within your relationship faster!
It is helpful with scheduling. It might be easier for someone to block two half days or a full day off work rather than having one hour a week off for months in a row. The schedule also helps with less interruptions in the growth (sick days, conflicting appointments, vacations, etc).
It enhances focus! Usually, in a couple’s session, it can take about 10 minutes for a couple to settle in, disengage from life or work responsibilities, touch base on a previous conflict from the past week, or engage with their emotions or really get into their issues. Within an intensive, this ‘warm up’ time only happens once, maybe twice, saving most of the time to focus on the goals of the couple and the interventions of the therapist.
Does this sound like a good fit for you and your partner?
Maybe this is your time to reach out to a couple’s therapist and schedule your first intensive!